"There's a bit of magic in everything, and some loss to even things out." -Lou Reed

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Relocation


Last year, after a horrible experience moving, I swore it would be years (and years) before I would ever undertake another relocation of any kind. And then, a series of unexpected wonderful things happened. In the midst of all that happiness, a move didn’t seem quite as daunting. And I wasn’t doing it alone this time.

So, with move #42 (ok, I am not sure of the number, but that doesn’t seem far off) behind me, I now reside in a beautiful home with my fiancée which is only a five minute walk from the ocean. I have felt as if it was almost too much happiness for me to handle.

I know that sounds ridiculous, and maybe even ungrateful—which would be completely false. I am so happy and so grateful for every minute of it. I don’t take one moment for granted. What I have been doing, much to my fiancee’s dismay, is waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have never felt like a lucky person—even remotely so—and all this good fortune is daunting. I can’t believe so many wonderful things could be happening—that they can keep on happening—without me having to pay somehow…without some sad news to even it all out.

Being a worrier by nature, I know the pitfalls of this kind of thinking. But, as sad as this sounds, I have never been this happy and the fear of losing it is with me constantly.

I have been trying to do better, to just live in the moment and take it all in. Every day I wake up and have another day without some surprise disaster, I gain a little more faith that I can trust everything. I trust my fiancée completely, it is more of the worry of life interfering. And in addition to being a worrier, I have an incredibly creative imagination, so I imagine all kinds of things happening that could turn my life upside down. It is some weird safety system I have locked into my psyche…if I think and worry about something—it won’t happen. As in, if I imagine all the worst-case scenarios, I have myself “covered”. I won’t be blindsided, I will be safe.

I know there are no true safe places in life. Anything can happen at any moment. Just as I never would have believed a year ago that today I would be planning my wedding. At the beach. Where I now live. Where I have a new job I love, and a fiancée who loves me just as I am, quirks, flaws and all.

Thank goodness chance things happen.

Thank goodness life isn’t predictable.

It is all chance, circumstance, and a little bit of luck. Nothing I can control from here. Nothing that worrying will solve.

For now, I will walk down to the beach, feel the sand between my toes, breathe in the salty air and just say…thank goodness.

11 comments:

Eva Gallant June 27, 2010 at 1:16 PM  

Consider that you have earned all this goodness as a result of all the bad you have gone through, Kim.

Kate June 27, 2010 at 2:44 PM  

So happy for you, Miss Lady...

Angella Lister June 27, 2010 at 4:11 PM  

So happy you're happy! Go ahead and trust it. Exhale.

Judith June 27, 2010 at 4:36 PM  

Here's how I like to see it: there is no stream of bad stuff, only a stream of well-being. The difference is the degree to which you are allowing the well-being to flow to you. Keep appreciating and loving. And even when difficult things come your way, you'll be able to process them, knowing that well being is the dominant force in your life. Just keep letting it in, especially now that you have so much beautiful evidence of how abundant the goodness in your life is! I am SO very happy for you!!

Paula... June 27, 2010 at 9:32 PM  

Oh Kim, I'm so happy for you! You deserve no less than this and don't you forget it.

Paula
xxx

Michelle Cramer June 28, 2010 at 2:46 PM  

Focusing on the good in life diminishes the bad. Anytime I start to worry (which is often) my husband tells me to start listing all the good things in my life, no matter how small and obvious they might be. It's amazing how stopping and thinking of all the good in your life can change you and make you feel good.

Pat June 28, 2010 at 3:09 PM  

It's understandable with your past to worry all the time, but it's really time to let go. Don't waste your day on thinking of "what COULD happen" but think of how wonderful things ARE HAPPENING! I am so happy for you and how your life has turned around. Take each day one step at a time and keep looking forward. Every day is a blessing!

Kristie Lynne June 28, 2010 at 5:37 PM  

Ah! This makes me so so so happy for you! Congratulations. Life is so interesting sometimes. :)

JC June 30, 2010 at 3:12 PM  

Enjoy your new digs ...
Close to the beach ...
That would be my dream ...

Michelle July 3, 2010 at 9:09 AM  

congratulations to you :)
i realized a long time ago that worrying over things i have no control over is wasted energy... and the weight of worry can be paralyzing... thats a LOT of energy that could and should be focused elsewhere in life.

im so happy for you... living by the sea... the fresh salty air... the sand between your toes... a wonderful trustworthy man at your side... planning your wedding... working in a job you love :) thats the way it should be for everyone!

California Girl July 23, 2010 at 7:32 AM  

I'm the same way...always waiting for the other shoe, feeling as though I don't deserve to be happy or to have so much, etc etc.

Prescription: (thanks to my Zen therapist)

"No expectations."

repeat daily as often as necessary.

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