Counting the Days

In a matter of days, it will be here.

A milestone, but just a number.

And yet, not where I imagined I would be

at this age, this time.

It was always the holdout.

I will have this, be this, know this by then--surely.

And somehow, it is still all a mystery.

Was it the naive ponderings of youth?

Or was it a reasonable assumption?

Have I failed?

Succeeded?

Am I right where I am supposed to be?

If not-- what then?

This day will be just a number.

But numbers are the sum of things.

Addition and subtraction.

The number of mistakes; the number of accomplishments.

The number of tears; the moments of laughter.
The absence of a white dress; the strength in standing on my own.

The times loved; the loves lost.

The dreams dashed; the ones that came true.

The wait will be over soon.

Meeting this number, adding, subtracting,

hoping it somehow equals something meaningful.

It isn’t that easy.

I never could have known.

Will I look back someday,

even farther down the line,
and know I did the best I could,

found my way, tried hard?
Or will it be too painful to even look?

Will I regret too much?
Will I be proud of myself?

I can’t answer those questions.
I can’t be sure.

The only thing I am sure of…
there is a new holdout number.

It is far, far down the line.

And I will do my best
To add more than I subtract,
to hope more than I worry,
And to dream big.

I will make sure
I remember
There is plenty of time left
to do all of the things
I thought I would have done by now
and savor every moment in a new way.

Instead of an ending,
this milestone, this day- fast approaching-
will be the starting line.

Ready,
Set,

Live.

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