"There's a bit of magic in everything, and some loss to even things out." -Lou Reed

Saturday, December 26, 2009

You Never Know

I remember this day last year vividly. I woke up slightly relieved. Relieved that Christmas day—the whole season-- was over. I knew there would be remnants of holiday commercials laced with caroling voices, knew that all the decorations in my neighborhood wouldn’t be down just yet, but I knew that at least the day had passed.

I spent last Christmas on my own at my house. Friends had generously offered me multiple invitations, but the thought of feeling like a third wheel was a little overwhelming. While I have friends that are very much like family to me—spending the holidays with a happy couple or family has sometimes in the past left me walking away realizing with a deeper clarity than I would have liked exactly what I do NOT have. And also, I am quite certain I wouldn’t have been the best person to be around even on the best day at that time. It was tough all the way around.

So I suffered through the weeks leading up to Christmas, stayed away from the general public as much as possible, watched DVDs almost constantly to avoid holiday programming and hunkered down to wish it all away. On Christmas Eve, I went to bed early, but still managed to sleep through most of Christmas day, which had been my plan. Go to sleep, wake up, and it’s not a holiday season anymore. It is just another Friday.

A dear friend, who is like my second mother—well she isn’t “like”—she IS my second mother—told me on this day last year that she believed everything could turn around for me, and that this time next year the world was going to look very different. You just never know, she said.

I remember feeling sad when she said that because I was certain of so many things about my future. And I was certain she was wrong.

What is amazing about life is that there is no certainty. That is not always a good thing. We lose loved ones in the moment it takes to catch a breath…and the only certainty is that there was no time for a goodbye and they are never coming back. But the other side of the coin is that no matter how much all signs, occurrences, and logical assumptions line up—a total curveball flies into your life and everything becomes new and the path you are on was one you never could have imagined.

Stepping back, it isn’t exactly a wild curveball from nowhere. One thing leads to another in a chain of events that makes something bigger happen. But the steps are so small leading to it, and there are so many in the chain that it seems to come out of nowhere.

For more years than I can count, I wanted to be a published writer. And this year, after finding a way to pour some of my past pain onto a page, it happened. And that pain then became fuel for something that made a difference in my life—healing me in more ways than one. And then, I found and let love into my life again, which, I am here to tell you, were words I never saw myself writing, thinking or saying again (or for at least good 30 years from now).

Some of it seemed to come out of nowhere. But, the truth is, all the things that happened this year were the end result of events and choices that I couldn’t have planned better.

I brought my dog Bear into my life last January, and he became not just a pet, but a motivating being that made my heart open before all the past wounds closed it completely.

I lost my job, which devastated me, but also made me realize how many hours, days and weeks I had spent working over the last decade. Ridiculous amounts of time gone—never to be retrieved. While some of it was worth it and reasonable for my career, a great deal of it was hiding from life, and letting work be my safe place instead of how I pay the rent.

When looking back on the terrible betrayal and heartbreak I had suffered in 2008, I saw at first only that I attracted horrible people into my life, that I was not worth better, that I had failed somehow. But through all the other realizations, through writing, through friends and through time…I slowly began to understand my value—my worth.

And I found love again because I opened myself to it, and because the person I love helped me take the last steps across that bridge towards trusting myself—and someone else.

It was all a process. A crazy, painful, beautiful process. Planned and unplanned, chaotic and precise.

And more than anything today, a year later, I know this much to be true…

You never know.


The romantic query letter and the happy-ever-after December 26, 2009 at 8:53 PM  

You made me cry but they were tears of joy for you survived it with grace. Continued happiness and wonderful new year to you.

Gaia December 26, 2009 at 9:54 PM  

I couldn't have said it better.. I know I couldn't have said it better. I had just spent Christmas alone, and wondering where life is leading.. now I know that I'll never know. Bless you.

Merry Christmas and a Wonderful year ahead. :)

Anonymous,  December 26, 2009 at 10:41 PM  

It was all a process. A crazy, painful, beautiful process. Planned and unplanned, chaotic and precise.
YOU HAVE GIVEN ME HOPE my dear friend...I like u have spent yrs thinking I knew what my life was going to be, and it wasnt good...reading this has made me realize, like you said...YOU NEVER KNOW! Three more beautiful words I have never heard...thank you my friend.

btw: Posted the 5 doc who reasons on my blog..thanx;)

Eva Gallant December 26, 2009 at 11:06 PM  

That was a beautiful post! It's wonderful that your life has taken such a positive turn. May the new year bring you continued happiness.

Paula... December 27, 2009 at 4:41 AM  

WOW Kim, what a beautiful post. I'm happy to hear that things are looking brighter and you've once again opened up and found love. What a journey you've been on!

Anonymous,  December 27, 2009 at 8:34 AM  

As I began reading this post I immediately had the words "You never know" and "LIVE life, don't hide from it".. in my head.. but as I read further it was clear you have done that, and it's so good to know you have found real happiness again. Let yourself feel it without fret or holding your breath. Believe in it, and simply enjoy.

CityGirl December 29, 2009 at 10:08 AM  

once again..i am beyond impressed with your writing style, originality, and the way you put it all together. keep going...you're on the right path.

Restless Mind December 31, 2009 at 12:53 PM  

I love this post. Gives me hope that things can and will get better. Thank you.

sidedishtrish January 1, 2010 at 7:53 PM  

Very profound and beautifully written.

D-Robo January 2, 2010 at 11:40 AM  

Hey, I have been following your work for a while after being one of Blogger's, "Blogs of Note." With that said, your work is incredible, and you truly explain the wonders and questions of life. You're always a good read!

PrincessKate January 2, 2010 at 2:04 PM  

You give me hope that even though life seems so hopeless now, maybe, just maybe, something wonderful is just around the corner. I am so tired of being sad.
Thank you!


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