"There's a bit of magic in everything, and some loss to even things out." -Lou Reed

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Doubt


I have come a long way. For years, I was afraid of the sound of my own voice, unable to trust my own instincts, or even believe in myself in moments when it seemed obvious that I was on the right track. So, yes, I am further down the path. I have taken risks—believed in my ability to recover—even thrive. I found my voice –on many levels—charting a career course I would never believed I could have—and finding my way to making some of my dreams come true. Sure, I took the long way, but I got here.

But even today, when all signs point north, when the glass is not just half full, but nearly overflowing, doubt creeps in. There is no evidence or reasoning for it. I just seem unable to trust good happening around me, for me, to me…without questioning my ability to have earned it, trust it, and most importantly, deserve it.

It isn’t a conscious choice, I don’t sit and say…let me start worrying, analyzing or doubting it all now. It is quite the opposite. It is a battle I wage against these words, the cracks that appear in the silver lining in my own mind. I fight every bad thought, every worry, every doubt with all my might. But I am fighting a formidable foe.

Everyone has some baggage, some reason that trust or love is a challenge. Everyone has been hurt. Many have childhood trauma that makes my issues pale in comparison. Not everyone has this battle with doubt to fight. Trust becomes the new frontier, the doorway to a new life, the escape hatch from the past to the present. I can only hope that this peace comes to me.

I can remember as a child seeing a large group of black birds circling in the sky—large loops of gliding motion, but even before I knew what they were and what they were doing, watching them was unsettling. Once I knew the explanation, I felt sick whenever I saw their feathered patterns in the sky…as they waited for someone or something to take its last breath, then swoop in to take everything else.

I often feel that doubt is like that for me. Circling above me, waiting for me to break, get weak, let it in. And then it swoops in, overtaking me, leaving me to do nothing but drown in it.

I want to trust with unwavering passion, to let go, leap, and not look back. I am closer than I have ever been. The space between my acceptance of something beautiful and the time the analyzing and worry begins grows farther in between.

As I stretch my soul to replace hope with doubt, I realize the myriad of emotions that accompany doubt—seemingly the same by definition, but each touching a different part of the most insecure parts of me. Fear, worry, distrust…the list goes on. To combat doubt includes confronting old patterns, past pain, and the assumptions of the worst outcome that come as easily to me as breathing.

It is a necessary fight. I honestly feel deep within me that in almost every area of my life, I am at a crossroads. I believe the paths I choose are going to be a beginning for me. I sense that I must choose so wisely, as the gifts that have been offered to me are precious. And to choose wisely I must—most of all-- trust myself. I must leave all the doubt and insecurity behind me. Easier said than done. But somewhere in me, in the part of me that is almost being reborn, I know that for the first time perhaps ever, the things that are happening are because I have been truly myself, flaws and all. So there’s no reason to doubt.

I am about to become who I have always wanted to be…and really, who I have always been.

12 comments:

Shelley Trbuhovich December 23, 2009 at 6:39 AM  

hang in there, kim, this restlessness and doubt is leading somewhere, i am so sure of it. i really enjoy your blog posts and look forward to all that 2010 brings. x

Eva Gallant December 23, 2009 at 8:31 AM  

One thing you need never doubt: you write beautifully!

May the new year bring you health, peace, and happiness.

Whitney Lee December 23, 2009 at 10:05 AM  

How very well said. I think that trusting ourselves, our own instincts, may be the most difficult challenge we face. We have all become so accustomed to looking to someone else to tell us what to do or how to feel that we no longer know what it looks like to make those decisions ourselves.

Steven Anthony December 23, 2009 at 12:07 PM  

It always amazes me that when all in my life is going great that is when dought comes at me the strongest...I hear those voices telling me Im worthless(usually my dads) I cant do it, and no one really loves me.....I hate those voices, those voiceds have caused me much pain...my resolution this yr, stop listing to thoise voices(easer said than done)....as always your writting has touched my soul;)

Dark Jedi Tallulah Kidd December 23, 2009 at 2:01 PM  

This Post is so beautiful. It truly captures the zenith of Transformation, that dreadful in-between stage, the Storm before truth and enlightenment is truly revealed and realized. I look forward to following your journey and I await patiently for your triumphant emergence.

Kristie Lynne December 23, 2009 at 5:05 PM  

I know exactly what you're talking about. I've always learned never to trust people. Now, when trust is crucial, I still doubt, but have to just talk about it and work my way through it. I can do it and you can do it. I love your writing and I love your honesty.

nikgee December 24, 2009 at 1:30 AM  

Most excellent. Positive affirmation. Thoughts become spoken words, become physical actions.

Angella Lister December 24, 2009 at 8:49 AM  

Happy holidays and wishes for less doubt, more belief, more wonderful, doubt-chasing experiences, in the new year. If it helps, so many are fighting this battle with you. Thanks for the affirmations.

in-the-z-zone December 24, 2009 at 11:56 AM  

i love the photographs! (and the blog too)
but just wondering, are they yours? Amazing photography if yes, and if not, you have great taste all the same. :)
cheers

Allie December 26, 2009 at 3:27 PM  

This is incredible and completely relatable. Doubt is always present, but it's a large part of what makes us all stronger because it takes bravery and trust to overcome it. Your writing is so beautiful, I especially love the photo and the examples you chose from your own experiences.

Katherine February 3, 2010 at 4:01 PM  

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this post. In many ways your feelings of doubt mirror my own. But there is great solace in realisation that things can change & that the power lies within ourselves.

I look forward to reading more of your blog.

You are Beautiful Writer!

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