"There's a bit of magic in everything, and some loss to even things out." -Lou Reed

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The Spammies: Awards for the Best, Worst and Most Ridiculous SPAM Messages (in my inbox)

As far as I know, the Spammies don't exist, except in my mind. There couldn't be such a thing really. Think of the millions of entries, the clogged email accounts, the viruses spread by merely forwarding an email for contention. Oy vey. So, I will just have the little award ceremony for myself and all my dear readers. The following "winners" were judged from a pool of the 763 emails in my SPAM inbox. It was a long and arduous process, but I managed to narrow the field down. Congratulations winners! SPAM on!


The winner in the “Spellchecker Be Damned” category (a very competitive category, by the way) goes to this talented spammer, perhaps testing prospective students: If they don’t catch the misspelling in the subject line, they have no business searching for clues with us.

The next winner won in two categories, “Time Zones Be Damned”, and “Most Artificially Polite” This spammer wants us to know that they are very sorry for disturbing us at 10:17am. (note the difference in the subject line time and the time the email was received). This entry was also a runner-up in the “Spellchecker be Damned Category”. This spammer was sorry for the disruption an hour ago (our time), but now, not so much. But repeating how sorry they are over and over makes it alllll better.

This next spammer wins the “If I Seem Really Stupid in the Subject Line, Maybe the Recipient Will Open this Email out of Pity” category. This was also a close race, with many contenders.

And next, a fan favorite, the "Best Lack of Use of the Letter 'L'". This one can be tricky, as some spammers quite accidentally fall into this category, instead of exhibiting real skill.

Next category: “The Most Patriotic-Appearing Email Obviously Sent from Another Country”. This spammers new motto: When in doubt, take the “the” out.

Now we come to the most exciting award categories, the ones saved for the nail-biting last minutes of award presentations. All three fall into the final overall category of “DESPERATE ATTEMPTS”, but this category is so broad, that three divisional categories had to be created.

First in line is the “Pretending to Be a Friend of the Recipient with an Urgent Message” category. Because these messages ARE so urgent in nature, grammar, spelling, and sentence structure should be thrown to the wind, creating a frenzied state for the recipient.

Next is the “Pretending to Be a Friend Didn’t Work, NOW Pretend one of your Family Members is Friends With the Recipient”. This type of message should appear casual, because hey, the recipient and the spammer are now practically related. Formality has no place here. Using the common name of Ugjbovqfus put this spammer over the top in this category, since SO many of us know someone with that name.

And finally, the envelope opens for the last category, “When all else Fails, Sex Sells”. Most of the ED emails cancelled themselves out competing against each other, and this category needed a fresh take on the combination of desperation and sex. This entry was the clear winner, easily covering both areas. I mean seriously, let’s just get straight to the point, shall we?

That’s all until next year’s Spammies! Mark your calendars, plan your Spammies parties—you know you want to. ;0)


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