"There's a bit of magic in everything, and some loss to even things out." -Lou Reed

Monday, March 8, 2010

The Waiting Game


In early 2008, I was talking to a friend about the writing career I wanted that I feared would never happen. She looked at me, incredulous, and asked, “What are you waiting for?"

The words couldn’t have been simpler. And I didn’t have an answer. What was I doing, really? Was I hoping that magically it would just happen? I couldn’t believe how focused that moment made me feel. I had been expressing how much I wanted something for years, but what was I really doing about it—except wishing?

And so, I did start writing, focusing, setting small goals and meeting them. And although JK Rowling and I aren’t sharing an agent (yet), I feel closer to my goal than ever. And I know those five words started it.

As of late, I have felt other parts of my life coming together—or at least beginning to. And I realize how much time I have wasted over the years waiting for so many things. Waiting for a boys to call, waiting for the right moment to do this or try that, waiting for a job I hated to get better, waiting for my family to change so I could heal, waiting…waiting…

Some waiting is necessary. You can’t control everything. But too many times in my life I took a passive role when I was scared or unsure of myself. Too many times I thought I would wait just a little longer, just in case—even though I knew in my heart that nothing was going to change, or that I needed to head in the opposite direction.

There are also small instances of waiting that I watch myself and others I am close to fall back on every day. The little things we put off that lead to big things...I will start eating healthier next week, I will actually take a vacation next year, I will start exercising when the weather is better, I will take that art class I have always wanted to when I have more time…

For the last few years, I didn’t want photos taken of me—because I felt so self conscious about my weight. I would purposely avoid all pictures—including some at very large company events I was so proud to have pulled off and some very special occasions with dear friends that I just couldn’t bear to be photographed in. As a result, there are years now with holes—memories without me in them when I was a central part—all because I was waiting until I felt better about how I looked to include myself in recording them. I realize now how silly that sounds—and the reasons run deeper than appearance. But I was once again waiting for something to get better—for ME to get better before I allowed myself to enjoy life fully.

Waiting can feel safe, but now I am training myself to ask if I feel safe and comfortable—or scared. Am I waiting for the right reasons?

As some parts of my life begin to feel safe and dependable in the best senses of the word, I am learning what I can trust and who I can lean on—what parts of my life I can sink into and enjoy, knowing I am in the right place. There are areas of my life that are still broken and in need of repair and that may take time. But I am no longer relying on some magic solution to make it all happen. I am living in all of the moments- scared, painful, happy, uncertain, perfect or broken. And life is more real and vivid than it has ever been—and incredibly unpredictable.

Just what I have been waiting for.

13 comments:

Steven Anthony March 8, 2010 at 11:21 PM  

I have been waiting for yrs as well...I have found recently that I have become comfortable in the disfunction of waiting, not a good place to be. This post as most of yours do, spoke to me, deep down, and I will strive to get to the place you speak of, living in the now moments;)

thank you friend.

Tara March 9, 2010 at 12:04 AM  

Dearest Kim,

I read these words in a book recently and would like to share them with you ...

"Fear is created out of love by your own mind to protect you from pain.

Fear pretends to protect us from harm when it is actually robbing us of our passion for life.

Freedom doesn't mean having no fear. It means acting in spite of your fear.

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

I believe you will find your courage to live your life as you wish -- one step at a time. And it sounds you are starting to believe this also.

The best of luck.

Kindest regards, Tara

Eva Gallant March 9, 2010 at 9:37 AM  

I, too, have spent too much time waiting. Your post reminded me of that.
Time to act!

Christina March 9, 2010 at 11:41 AM  

I too like the others have waited too long to get back on track!

Perhaps 2010 will be the year of many good things - we certaintly need it after the tumultous year of 2009 with 3 to go in the USA!!

Good Luck in your many endeavours!

Offset March 9, 2010 at 2:46 PM  

its refreshing to read posts like this, pieces which aim to re-awaken us to the lives we say we live, but in reality it feels like i am sitting at a bus station waiting for the magic bus to come along which will carry me to all my dreams
thank you and i wish you the best!

Keira March 10, 2010 at 4:41 AM  

Be patience. When you're losing your faith in everything, surrender your life to God and He will never fail to be there for you. Trust me.

Deedee March 10, 2010 at 10:33 PM  

Life frequently seems like it is a big wait. It's hard to pull yourself out of the mire and propel yourself forward-there are so many things to hold you back. I too have been waiting to write a novel. I just can't see where exactly to start. I tell myself I will do it when I retire- I can't find the time just now.

jenny wilson March 11, 2010 at 1:23 PM  

Wow - what an inspiring piece of writing! I am currenly waiting and don't know how to get of this 'waiting que', but I am sure one day i'll find the answrs
best wishes

msprimadonna67 March 16, 2010 at 6:05 PM  

I know exactly what you mean--there have been times when I stopped myself short and thought, "I am waiting for something to come to me that I ought to be going out to get." Pretty simple, but easy to fall back into. Thanks for the reminder.

Rose March 31, 2010 at 10:20 PM  

Wow, it sounds like something I would say. I'm glad you've realized that waiting ... can wait...

Rose
http://roseintheslowlane.blogspot.com

California Girl May 31, 2010 at 11:17 AM  

Understood. I feel that way. I've waited soooo long and now I'm working to support my husband while he pursues his photography. I'm proud of him and his work. I just wonder when and if I'll take that step you speak of, the one where I get serious and do something besides write in my blogs.

Thanks for this post.

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