"There's a bit of magic in everything, and some loss to even things out." -Lou Reed

Friday, November 20, 2009

Posthumous


It derails me
that at times
I worry about your passing.

I fear when you reside
in a yard of stones
that I will conjure up ways
I could have quieted my mind
if only you were here.

And you are here
and I can’t thread words together
and you won’t hear me
anyway.

I practice in my head;
on paper
with keystrokes flying.

I say everything I have ever wanted to say
and things I haven’t.
And yet, none of the words are right.

You won’t believe me
you won’t accept your role
in the path my life has taken;
the bruised soul you left behind;
the doubt in every thought and whisper
I deliver to my own spirit.

You will never
say
I am sorry.
I was wrong.

You will never
be someone I can count on
or lean on,
gain wisdom from
or trust.

And I will never be
what I pictured
you wanted me to be.

I am, as always,
trying to stay one step ahead of you
before you shock me
hurt me
betray me.

So I prepare for your passing.

I worry
that it
won’t be a comfort or
even painful;
but instead an extension
of a never ending question.

I won’t ever have the answers
in this life;
in yours --
in what has become ours.
You will take your reasons
with you.

And I worry I will be left behind
more buried than you-
even in death.

Will you pull me with you
more away from the living;
sharing the dust with you
as I try and assemble
the pieces of me that are left?
Or will I somehow find
a path
through the tall grass
and ragged stones
to flat land;
a place of solace-
reconciliation...
peace.

So, I prepare in my mind
for the end
of the possibility
that you
will ever
make things right.

And I know
I must start now
to look for the
path to flat land;
far away from
where you will be buried-
far away from where you
are now.

I am beginning
to trust my own compass
without the shadow of
your life
or death
inhibiting me.

I can see you
fading in the distance
even now.

And I...
am ready.

18 comments:

Maggie May November 20, 2009 at 2:29 AM  

this is my father and i, too.

Anonymous,  November 20, 2009 at 3:25 AM  

... I came across you blog, as I am learning to write mine. I came across your post 'for better or worse'and your words explained what I have always felt and never put it down ... in words. I understood how the negative 'self talk', deriving from deep experiences,can be polluting yours and some new lives, I cried again, over one of the biggest loss a mother can experience. And a thread onto my negative 'self talk' and now ... I read your Posthumous.
I have never worried that
'I will be left behind
more buried than you-
even in death'
Never worried for something that rarely happens: to survive a son.
And now I am left:
'more buried than him ...
pulled far away from the living ...
without answers in this life,
while all the reasons have gone, with him'
When a young sould leaves this heart an old soul will follow in within one year- this is what they say in Ucraine - and my father left, after exactly one year, his loss was an extension of a never ending question, it was like walking across a field reaching an horizon that I have always seen, that I taught was unreachable and suddenly came. But in the realm of events his departure was like the night falling silently onto the sunrise.
Now, in front of a magic tuscan sunset, I am left without a soul since the one I had is now in another planet.
You have a gift, you are not an aspiring writer, you are a writer since you can translate your soul in paper.
My apologies for the mistakes I make in a language that is not mine.

Karen November 20, 2009 at 5:34 AM  

I can relate in a hundred and one ways. But here's what I'm thinking in recent years... He is such a wounded and disfunctional person in his own skin, how could I have possibly ever measured up? He will never measure up to his own expectations...I think he is his biggest disappointment, it's why he is such an angry man now. And why would it have one ounce of importance to me now...I am a decent, caring, intelligent soul and I only have so much time on this earth. Why waste any more of it languishing over this disfunctional relationship... why look for "the reason"... it's a mute point. Live for today, cherish the good people in your life...and thrive inspite of him. You can have sympathy for him too, because his life, his chance... is over.

Angella Lister November 20, 2009 at 7:59 AM  

This made me cry.

It helps that you could distill what you feel into this intensely felt poem. It helps others, too, who couldn't quite put it into words, as you have, so beautifully.

Life is tough, isn't it? And some things just can't be solved. So sorry.

~ Dawn Sparks ~ November 20, 2009 at 8:39 AM  

What a beautiful heartfelt poem!

Eva Gallant November 20, 2009 at 11:09 AM  

I sit here, teary eyed. Beautiful.

Alli November 20, 2009 at 5:16 PM  

Thank you for this. I could never write something so beautiful as this but you help capture my relationship with my father as well and I feel better about it. I'm very glad you shared this.

Pat November 20, 2009 at 5:33 PM  

This is beautiful and very moving. You are a wonderful writer.

Anonymous,  November 23, 2009 at 12:24 AM  

I have been struggling with the passing of my mom most recently - this really struck a chord. All of the thoughts and feelings that I have inside - described.... Thank you!

Patrick Kallie November 25, 2009 at 3:50 PM  

Lots of intensity in this poem. You can really feel it!

Keep it up!

Judith November 26, 2009 at 9:18 AM  

Your gift keeps growing, dear Kim.

PrincessKate December 23, 2009 at 3:40 AM  

This is a beautiful poem. Thank you. It reflects how I feel about a certain person in my life....

Michelle January 31, 2010 at 3:27 PM  

with every blog i read... i admire you more as a writer:)

this was so incredible i had to read ir twice... and i am sure i will read it again... and again.

thank you for posting this piece... so full of pieces of yourself

Reggie February 28, 2010 at 10:03 AM  

What an absolutely incredible read...you've got skillz.

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