Twitter: Where the Bullies Are

A few weeks ago, a friend of a friend contacted me through my twitter account. Could I help her monitor some activity on twitter?—a friend’s child was being bullied. Absolutely, I replied. Basically, neither of these mothers had any experience on twitter and didn’t have the first clue as to how to set up an account or to monitor others accounts and what the owners of those accounts were saying, or tweeting.

What I didn’t know is that even given my computer savvy, my five years of blogging, my knowledge of all social media platforms, I had no idea what twitter has turned into for the junior high and high school set. Sure, twitter is all about sharing the minutia of a teenager’s life with some acerbic spin, all in 140 characters or less. It’s about being quick witted and cool, and complaining about the same things we all did at that age—homework, dating, parents, teachers. But more than anything, and with an overwhelming majority, twitter is where bullying is rampant, and for the most part, these student’s twitter feeds are not monitored or policed by parents. At all.

And your kids are banking on that. 

All of these kids have slowly migrated over to twitter from Facebook. Many people don’t realize that Facebook began as a platform that only college students could join. Later it opened up to high school students, and then the flood gates opened when anyone, age 13 or above, was allowed to sign up. What happened then, with this open access, is that your mother and your aunt, and even your grandmother were on Facebook, killing the “cool” factor for most kids- especially the high school demographic. While this age group (high schoolers) still has Facebook accounts, and the ability to monitor who sees what, parents are much more savvy with Facebook, and are at least a little more aware of what’s being posted within their child’s inner circle.

Twitter, however, is a whole different animal. Most adults I know have a hard time understanding twitter, and I admittedly didn’t understand the fascination at first. For me, it is a chance to follow several of my favorite authors and editors, and is full of links to articles for advice on writing, getting published, and other things that help keep me on top of my burgeoning writing career. Twitter is also a great source for breaking news and keeping up with headlines. It is fast-paced, and it is easy to understand why it doesn’t appeal to everyone.

But, believe me, the high school crowd knows that most of their parents aren’t paying attention. There is a freedom in posting on twitter, and an unrealistic view that no one is seeing their twitter updates except their small group of friends, and any other followers. The truth is, unless your twitter account is locked—or set to private—anyone can see your messages. Anyone.

What I discovered is that it seems all too easy and harmless for these kids to, say, set up a twitter account in someone’s name. Let’s say that a certain group of kids all dislikes someone named Sally Smith. So, they create an account: @sallysmith or @sally_smith. Done. Then, the tweeting begins. They can tweet messages about how many people she supposedly slept with at a party the night before, or other negative activity. It appears to be coming from her own account. Can you imagine at that age how humiliating this would be? Plus, people can re-tweet these updates, so this one account starts getting quoted by dozens of students all within the same school—and then maybe it keeps growing—and reaches students outside the walls of just the one high school. In a flash of a few keystrokes, rumors become fact, a reputation changes, a person’s life can be changed.

The sad fact is, as I began monitoring the students I was asked to, I found myself in a web of students and bullying that I wish I didn’t know existed. And I will say here that the kids that are doing this –at least the ones I know about—are honors kids, the top of their class—with middle class to wealthy families. I am sure there are other kids doing it---I just don’t think you can label a group or distinguish. It is rampant. It might not be the students you “expect”—the troublemakers or whatever group we somehow think of as bullies. You can’t say “not my child” until you know. Until you check. Until you read what they are writing, and who they are following.

What scares me is that the words they are typing, the messages they are sending, are more vile and hateful than I want to imagine anyone from that age group being capable of. The words I read stopped me in my tracks. I couldn’t imagine what would prompt these kids to spread and encourage so much hate. I have seen a lot of things over the years, but the viciousness of these attacks has haunted me.

In the process of trying to help this one kid, I have discovered other accounts where it is obvious that the owner has set up a fake account in someone’s name. It is pretty apparent once you are accustomed to viewing it. What is sad is that the victim of the bullying often knows about the account(s), but feels helpless. Some of the language and material are so vile, that I am sure they are ashamed or afraid to show their parents. So, in a sense, they remain helpless and bullied, and watch as these rumors spread and others cheer on the attacks.

I was in the middle of all of this when the latest high school shooting occurred in Ohio. I don’t know the circumstances around that incident, but it made me think of one young man in particular that I knew was being bullied. I could see and understand how young people get pushed and hurt so much that the pain overwhelms any other sense or reason.

I don’t have children, but since I have learned about all of this bullying on twitter, I have been unable to wrestle myself away from it. I have reported accounts to the security team at Twitter, and action is being taken. In appropriate cases, I have had someone local contact the police departments in their areas on their behalf. One thing I know, Twitter and law enforcement take all of these issues VERY seriously.

I have to believe that these kids don’t realize the ramifications of what they are doing. They are young, foolish…like we all were. They think this is all a joke, and that a few of their friends find them terribly witty. They don’t realize the unbelievable wrath of pain they are unleashing. At least I hope they don’t.

I have put several messages on Facebook asking all of my friends to PLEASE check their kids’ twitter accounts, and if you are reading this, I am begging you to do the same. If you don’t know how, find someone who can. If I can help, I will.

A few tips:

• First, ask your child if he/she has a twitter account. I believe in granting kids this age some freedom/privacy, but I encourage you to tell them you will be doing a routine check of their account here and there for their own safety. Also, please tell your child that if they are being bullied, no matter what people are saying about them, no matter how vile or explicit the words are, to come to you—to not be ashamed or afraid. Get that out in the open now.

• Go to www.twitter.com and sign up for an account. It is super easy. You don’t have to use it for anything except to monitor or check in on your child/children’s feeds.

• Once you have an account, do a broad search for your child’s name from time to time. You can often find out if they have an account, or if others are tweeting about them in this way. It is a good way to monitor activity.

• The important thing is to watch what your child’s friends and followers are tweeting. Look at who your child is following. Check those feeds, too.

• Report bullying. If you know the child’s parents, call them, report it to them, and sadly, if they don’t act, report it to the school. The schools are becoming much more savvy and much more vigilant. But, more reports and more awareness from the parents will only continue to aid in stopping this wave of cyberbullying. The school will usually involve law enforcement if direct or physical threats are being made against another student.

I believe strongly that it takes a village to raise a child. And right now, that village extends out into the Neverland that is the internet. There is such a mix and tradeoff of good and bad, beautiful and ugly, inspirational and frightening things that happen and are created because of the itnernet’s reach. It is overwhelming for a skilled adult, and I think can drown a child in all the opportunity and anonymousness. 

I know we can’t make it stop tomorrow, and I know I can’t catch every bully, but if I do my part and you do yours, in one small corner of the world, we can make things a little better, one child at a time.

Other Resources:

Twitter Help Center

Stop Bullying Now: website -- twitter feed

Read more...

Homecoming: The Tragedy at Richmond High

On Saturday night, October 24 at Richmond High School in California, many students were enjoying their annual homecoming dance and festivities. In a back alley at that same school, a fifteen year old girl was gang raped by as many as 10 men, while another 10 people watched.
When I first read this story, I felt physically ill. I know we are all faced with headlines that shock us every day, each more horrible than the last, it seems. But this story, and this girl have haunted me.

Her life will never be the same. I can’t even begin to think how you recover from something so traumatic and brutal. Rape in any form is horrific and devastating, and reading any story about an attack involving rape is painful. But I cannot wrap my mind around 20—TWENTY—people involved in an attack, and no one having a conscience. How does that happen? I understand the psychological theories—this group mentality takes over, but still. It seems so implausible to me that 20 people can all randomly come together and simultaneously lose their humanity.

At this point, it appears that the bystanders can’t be charged. The police do have suspects and there have been arrests. But my thoughts have never left this young girl. After the attack, the rapists left her critically injured and unconscious under a bench. She had to be airlifted via helicopter to a hospital where she spent several days, finally being released later in the week. I have felt such an urge to reach out to her somehow. I knew the authorities would protect her identity, and rightfully so, but I have thought of her every day since reading the initial article.

A friend of hers has spoken out, describing her coming to the dance in a purple sequined dress and faux diamond earrings. I remember those incredibly awkward years when nothing makes sense…and how hard it was to fit in and feel accepted. Her friend said that this girl struggled to fit in. I thought back to how much I didn’t like dances, and often didn’t attend- afraid of my own awkwardness, too self conscious to even pick a dress, fearing how I “wouldn’t” look instead of how I would. I can honestly say that I never, ever felt I was beautiful or even attractive throughout grade school and high school. I think so many of us go through that. And to think of this young girl, dressed up, going to this dance-an innocent thing we have all done at one time or another during our school years—and then to lose her youth, her innocence and far too much more—is almost too much to comprehend.

I am afraid to see the next news stories once the suspects and their lawyers get their sound bytes. Maybe I am mistaken, maybe I will be surprised. But I doubt it. I don’t want to read about her reputation, her upbringing, mistakes she made, if she was drinking, or what she was wearing. I don’t want to read about the rapists’ troubled upbringing, or how they were too drunk or high to know what they were doing, or that some were “pressured” by others to participate. I just don’t. There are NO excuses. NONE. Not for this. The age range of the rapists is suspected to be 15-21. But anyone of any age knows this is wrong. There is no gray area.

Her family has, with much grace I think, spoken out to the community, asking that the response to this tragedy not be more violence. They have asked that the community work to find ways that this will not happen again.

I so agree. Let’s do something—anything—so this kind of thing never happens again. But how do you even begin to know how to do that when the crime itself is impossible to understand?

As much as I don’t want anyone’s childhood to be used as an excuse for this, I do know that this is the only place to start preventing violence. It means raising children to be accepting, compassionate, kind, and with some sort of belief system rooted in decency. This is no small task. And I guess even when all that does happen, someone can grow up to be a criminal. But the odds are lessened.

It does take a village to raise a child. And that whole village, which includes any adult that touches that child’s life, has to be an example for that child to live by. Lofty aspirations I know.
My hope now is that this girl, even in her anonymity, can somehow be saved by a village. First, her immediate family and community, and then by those of us who only know her as the victim.

I didn’t know of a way to reach out, and today, found the solution online. If you feel so inclined, grab a card, a piece of paper, and send this young girl a note with your words, your kindness, your compassion.

Let her know her village is watching over her, even from afar.

The girl's school, Richmond High, is accepting cards and donations for her and her family.

Checks should be made out to the Richmond High Student Fund.

The checks and cards should be sent directly to the school:

1250 23rd St., Richmond, CA 94804-1011.

Read more...